calendula_witch (calendula_witch) wrote,

Whiplash; or, Prison Riot Syndrome; or, Something

Sorry to have been such a bad Live Journal Correspondent as of late. I hit a bit of a wall, there, and (with jaylake's encouragement) had to run away a little.

They say that prison riots only happen when conditions start to improve. That's when the prisoners find hope, and then they start to realize how much everything actually sucks, and suddenly everything that was endured before becomes intolerable.

And so it was that we were looking so very much forward to the end of chemo, and to me living here in Portland, and getting settled, and us getting on with our lives; and then OMG NO suddenly there was this other tumor, OMG, more chemo; and oh thank goodness at least we got to go to New Zealand and Australia but then return to liver surgery; and then OMG it's not cancer!!!!! no chemo!!!!!; but then oh shit there is no poo to be had in all the world and back he goes to the hospital......

My head, it was spinning. Whiplash. Too much back-and-forth, really gigantic back-and-forth. Or, actually, someone commented that the re-hospitalization was two steps forward (no cancer) and one step back (no poo). Actually, it's like ninety-seven steps forward and one step back: but the step back was grievously ill-timed, and unwelcome, and very uncomfortable for jaylake, and it about broke my heart to have to drive up to that GODDAMNED HOSPITAL again, even though actually it's a very nice hospital with a million-dollar view and tremendously nice staff and etc etc. It was just, Oh god no please no never again no. And I don't think I have to explain to anyone that nurturing and care-giving is hard for me; I can love and support and be present, yes; but, the mechanics of day-in, day-out care-giving have unraveled me before. There are others, many others in this world who are demonstrably better at it than I to face unplanned extra doses of it....that was a challenge, indeed.

My very dear jkoke was visiting, and he was tremendously supportive (to both of us) and patient and helpful....just the amount of irrational venting alone that he patiently and lovingly heard from me was practically superhuman, not to mention his being unfailingly cheerful even as the visit turned out to be not at all what anyone was hoping for. (Though he appreciated the view from the hospital as well.) :-)

And then, when the problem finally began clearing and jaylake knew he was going to be discharged, Jay very strongly encouraged me to flee to Seattle, where my dear one markferrari took me in and nourished my soul. I had been holding out the hope of perhaps ghosting Foolscap this weekend, if Jay's surgery recovery had gone well; I had abandoned that notion even before the re-hospitalization; but Mark's programming was light enough so that we could have a lovely dinner and then breakfast, where we toasted (with grapefruit mimosas) having met one another at Foolscap one year ago. :-) So it was a pretty minimal ghosting, not even actually going to the con hotel; but, I honor the event that it was, and regret not seeing all my friends who were there (but trust me, I was in no condition.....)

Thus nourished, I returned to Portland this afternoon with only the requisite minimal traffic and monsoon-rains on I-5, stopping in at Nuevo Rancho Lake to find jaylake eating solid foods and hopping up and down off the couch with an ease of movement I haven't seen in quite some time, and the_child modeling a Halloween costume of utter gorgeousness (pictures were taken, but not by me; I hope they will be posted!).

And now I am home in my OWN HOUSE preparing to sleep in my OWN BED, and looking very much forward to a visit this weekend by my mom and stepdad. They are on a driving trip now, built around visiting me here. They have touristed in Portland before, and I am happily anticipating them being able to show me all the COOL things there are to do in this town, that don't involve going to the hospital. This will be the first of my family to see my new house, and I am so very very excited!!! Except now I'm viewing everything with Momvision and noticing the tub which needs to be scrubbed, and the dust all over everything, and the toilets oh god the toilets, and the little grimy area behind the kitchen sink, and......


Oh and apparently Portland has a Vampire Spider problem. This started with a tiny, almost unnoticeable bite, and is now like this:

And itchy. Meh.
Tags: cancer, family, health, jay, mark, travel
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